Lost in the Shadows

I'm almost to that point again. No, I'm not referring to my oddly recurring saturday night migraine. I sense I'm losing myself—the real me, or at least my ideal me. I've not fought hard enough to protect my autonomy. I've starved my soul of the things I love—the things that give back and give purpose to my random life.

There's so much talk these days about "connection" and "connecting" but my soul is crying out for me to disconnect. I'm feeling smothered and have begun to view people as zombies invading my space, breathing down my neck; sucking the joy right out of me by their mere presence. Not pretty.

I just want to sit in silence, to consider what I've lost and how to get it back. That was the plan tonight. But instead, I'm sharing one wall with a roommate and her visiting boyfriend and another with my second roommate, currently watching TV. I choose to drown out the noise with more noise by hooking up to my iPod. Somehow the music envelopes me, creating a sort of impenetrable bubble. The darkness of the room makes it even easier for my mind to escape these four walls. Maybe I can hear my thoughts there.

A few impassioned "glorias" later...

I realize that, although I didn't intend to worship, that's exactly where this stint of stillness led me. I didn't even know that I had anything to say...or pray. If I had spoken, I probably would've just said all the right words (I know how to plead my case). But I'm sick of words and false humility. So I just sat still—listening—and was soon overwhelmed by God's presence.

Just a short time of considering God and His character unearthed fears, hurt, lies, dreams...my entire life. Slowly, my heart softens and transforms again, returning to the place where it is completely known, accepted and loved. Christ as my focus. Everything else, lost in the shadows. Everything in it's rightful place.

I sing along (using my inside voice), giving testimony to the fact that I can still be floored by His unexpected, timely entrance into my otherwise random life:

Your face is beautiful

And Your eyes are like the stars

Your gentle hands have healing 

There inside the scars 

Your loving arms they draw me near

And Your smile it brings me peace 

Draw me closer oh my Lord

Draw me closer Lord to Thee 




Captivate us, Lord Jesus

Set our eyes on You 

Devastate us with Your presence

Falling down 

And rushing river, draw us nearer 

Holy fountain consume us with You

Captivate us Lord Jesus, with You 



Your voice is powerful 

And Your words are radiant bright

In Your breath and shadow 
I will come close and abide

You whisper love and life divine

And Your fellowship is free
Draw me closer O my Lord 

Draw me closer Lord to Thee



Let everything be lost in the shadows

Of the light of Your face 

Let every chain be broken from me

As I’m bound in Your grace

For Your yoke is easy,
Your burden is light 

You’re full of wisdom, power and might 

And every eye will see You

(Captivate Us)