40 Days, Part 2
"Letting go". "Saying goodbye". "Taking a risk". "No turning back". The mere suggestion makes me panic...or in some cases, weep inconsolably (Yes, me who remains stone- faced during sad movies). I fear finality. I like to keep my options open. I want to know that I have something or someone to fall back on–a backup plan. This helps me feel in control. Of course, "feeling" and actually "being" in control are two totally different things.
The irony is, many of the things that I think I'm in control of are actually controlling me. I realize this only when I'm motivated by some force, internal or external, to let it go. Some people have mastered the art of letting go, cold turkey (these are the same people that rip bandaids off quickly claiming it hurts less that way). I prefer incremental changes. Cautious, baby steps will get me there eventually!
Maybe that's what has attracted me to the Lenten Period the last couple years. The definitive time period: 40 days. I know exactly when it begins and ends. No surprises.
Last year, I proved myself clean of carbonated drinks. This year, I'm attempting to give up an emotional dependency. These 40 days have done nothing but taunt and mock me. I've tried to approach this time period with maturity but, instead, many of my recent prayers have been voiced in the same tone as the rebellious child that tells his parents when disciplined, "I may be sitting down on the outside but I'm standing up on the inside!"
Through observing Lent, I have learned more about temptation and fighting impulses–this year, ashamedly, by failing miserably. C.S. Lewis writes, "A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.…A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means—the only complete realist."
No matter how many times I fall down, I remain challenged by Luke 14:26: "Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters—yes, even one's own self!—can't be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple." (The Message) I realize that to acknowledge following Christ a worthy cause is to require sacrifice on my part, even past 40 days. My entire body groans at the thought.
The irony is, many of the things that I think I'm in control of are actually controlling me. I realize this only when I'm motivated by some force, internal or external, to let it go. Some people have mastered the art of letting go, cold turkey (these are the same people that rip bandaids off quickly claiming it hurts less that way). I prefer incremental changes. Cautious, baby steps will get me there eventually!
Maybe that's what has attracted me to the Lenten Period the last couple years. The definitive time period: 40 days. I know exactly when it begins and ends. No surprises.
Last year, I proved myself clean of carbonated drinks. This year, I'm attempting to give up an emotional dependency. These 40 days have done nothing but taunt and mock me. I've tried to approach this time period with maturity but, instead, many of my recent prayers have been voiced in the same tone as the rebellious child that tells his parents when disciplined, "I may be sitting down on the outside but I'm standing up on the inside!"
Through observing Lent, I have learned more about temptation and fighting impulses–this year, ashamedly, by failing miserably. C.S. Lewis writes, "A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.…A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means—the only complete realist."
No matter how many times I fall down, I remain challenged by Luke 14:26: "Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters—yes, even one's own self!—can't be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple." (The Message) I realize that to acknowledge following Christ a worthy cause is to require sacrifice on my part, even past 40 days. My entire body groans at the thought.
posted by Rachel | 9:47 PM
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