40 Days, Part 1
I read this description of a Nervous Breakdown online a few weeks ago: "At some time in your life or mine, we will likely experience life crisis. We find that there comes a time when we cannot carry on. We cannot pretend anymore. We cannot hold things together. We cannot go on in the same pattern of life. The burden of life has become too much. Our life comes apart.
When this happens we feel we are cracking up. We feel like we are having a nervous breakdown. We are uncertain about our identity. Our central beliefs are shaken. We question all that we have striven to do.
Our inner motor runs down: whatever has driven us this far does not hold the same interest; the work we did gladly does not to bring us the same reward; the way we have always related to people does not work for us.
We lose our ability or desire to hide what we are feeling. Our hardness, our coldness, our reserve, our emotional control is gone - broken.
We find ourselves more in touch with our emotions. We cry easily. We are easily touched. Our heart is on the surface.
Times like this need to be expected. Consider them normal. It is a normal life crisis."
I thought my "life crisis" would come somewhere in my 30s...or possibly right at 30 but here it is! Pretty sure, it's now. I was somewhat relieved when I read this decription, because it defined the problem for me. Every sentence in that description fit..er, fits me perfectly. Not that I think it's a positive thing (although I am to "consider it normal") that I'm going through an identity crisis but I find it enables me to exhale knowing that I'm not losing my mind...maybe just a few other things that I can't keep due to the pain they are causing me.
My life (or so-called) reminds me of my 7 mile walk yesterday. I walked it by myself because I was determined to not miss a day of training just because I had to walk alone. The downside of that is that I didn't have anyone talking me out of quitting early except myself. So, I found that I was constantly coaching myself under my breath. I'd tell myself, "You're strong. You did this before. You can do it again." "Just one more mile." "Ok, 1/4 mile left and then you can crash". That can be an effective way to train for a marathon but that's no way to live life! (And next week, I'm rearranging my schedule so I'm not walking it alone.)
Many times, we can endure larger amounts of physical pain and strain than emotional or psychological pain. I can push myself physically cause I KNOW I'll see results. After just a couple weeks of walking, elliptical training and weights, I have seen results that inspire me to keep it up. I can't say that about other areas of my life right now. I've reached the bottom in many aspects. I've been faced with questions, temptations, fears and burdens that I didn't want. I don't care if it makes me stronger. I'm not trying to win an award for my emotional fortitude. I just want to crash.
Maybe this is my "40 days in the wilderness". Do I think that God will keep me here forever? Not a chance. But how long will be too long?
Lyrics to "Flood" by Jars of Clay:
Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud
But if I can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again
Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground
Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again
When this happens we feel we are cracking up. We feel like we are having a nervous breakdown. We are uncertain about our identity. Our central beliefs are shaken. We question all that we have striven to do.
Our inner motor runs down: whatever has driven us this far does not hold the same interest; the work we did gladly does not to bring us the same reward; the way we have always related to people does not work for us.
We lose our ability or desire to hide what we are feeling. Our hardness, our coldness, our reserve, our emotional control is gone - broken.
We find ourselves more in touch with our emotions. We cry easily. We are easily touched. Our heart is on the surface.
Times like this need to be expected. Consider them normal. It is a normal life crisis."
I thought my "life crisis" would come somewhere in my 30s...or possibly right at 30 but here it is! Pretty sure, it's now. I was somewhat relieved when I read this decription, because it defined the problem for me. Every sentence in that description fit..er, fits me perfectly. Not that I think it's a positive thing (although I am to "consider it normal") that I'm going through an identity crisis but I find it enables me to exhale knowing that I'm not losing my mind...maybe just a few other things that I can't keep due to the pain they are causing me.
My life (or so-called) reminds me of my 7 mile walk yesterday. I walked it by myself because I was determined to not miss a day of training just because I had to walk alone. The downside of that is that I didn't have anyone talking me out of quitting early except myself. So, I found that I was constantly coaching myself under my breath. I'd tell myself, "You're strong. You did this before. You can do it again." "Just one more mile." "Ok, 1/4 mile left and then you can crash". That can be an effective way to train for a marathon but that's no way to live life! (And next week, I'm rearranging my schedule so I'm not walking it alone.)
Many times, we can endure larger amounts of physical pain and strain than emotional or psychological pain. I can push myself physically cause I KNOW I'll see results. After just a couple weeks of walking, elliptical training and weights, I have seen results that inspire me to keep it up. I can't say that about other areas of my life right now. I've reached the bottom in many aspects. I've been faced with questions, temptations, fears and burdens that I didn't want. I don't care if it makes me stronger. I'm not trying to win an award for my emotional fortitude. I just want to crash.
Maybe this is my "40 days in the wilderness". Do I think that God will keep me here forever? Not a chance. But how long will be too long?
Lyrics to "Flood" by Jars of Clay:
Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud
But if I can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again
Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground
Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again
posted by Rachel | 12:56 AM
1 Comments:
so I think I qualify as having somewhat of a nervous breakdown as well. Not all of the qualifications fit me right now, but a majority do. You are not alone! And so much of what you wrote I can identify with as well. I just hope my forty days don't last much longer! Thanks for sharing! There's a girl 3000 miles away who understands!
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