Forty Days, Part 3: The Shelter of Each Other
The following is an online conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago:
2:40 PM
Friend:
how is your day going and when is your birthday?
Me:
it's going pretty good. it's been quiet...my birthday is may 23.
Friend: okay, good. i thought it was toward the end of the
month but got worried i missed it.
Friend:
my day is weird. i'm feeling melancholy.
Me:
something happen or did you just wake up feeling
melancholy?
Friend:
i don't know. honestly, my
back hurts today and i'm feeling sorry for myself
about it... but that's not it. you ever feel like no
matter how many people you know you are still alone?
like nobody really knows you?
2:45 PM
Me:
YES!
Me:
but i figured i was the only one who felt that way.
Me:
i'm sorry you feel that way
Friend:
well, nope, you are not the only one. it actually
makes me feel better to hear that. today is just one
of those days for me and i'm struggling to push
through it. you know, like every person i know only
knows a part of me... i feel... fragmented.
Me:
yep...i understand. it's frustrating. and then that
can make you wonder if everyone really knew you, if
they'd still like you.
Friend:
yes! and then i take it a step further and ask myself
who i really am... like do i even know me?! you know,
which "me" is most "me?" i'm laughing at myself as i
type this because i know how crazy it sounds.
Me: no, it's not crazy. i think it's something we all have
to ask ourselves at times. and we are constantly
changing depending on our influences, experiences and
decisions. we aren't stagnant creatures. i guess
that's part of growing as a person.
Friend:
that's true. i guess i wouldn't want to be the same
now as i was last year or will be tomorrow, as long as
the core stays the same. it's weird to feel lonely
with so many people, though. i know i should be
praying about it because it creeps up on me
occasionally, but for some reason i'm struggling with
that lately. you know, like i'm not praying right or
something!
seriously, i'm not loony! just introspective today.
Me:
no, i don't think that is loony at all! if i called
you crazy for thinking that then i'd have to call
myself crazy too and i'm not ready to do that just
yet! it's so weird that you say that though cause i
have felt that way so much the last year or so. i am
still trying to get to the bottom of it. maybe it's
just that i don't take the time to really develop
deep, meaningful relationships in which i can get past
small talk and really talk about the "real" stuff of
life. i think that these feelings can draw us closer
to God because He is the only one who really knows us
and loves us unconditionally. so, in one way, i don't
think we will ever rid of that nagging desire to be
genuinely known and understood. we just might be
looking for our needs to be met in the wrong places.
Me:
honestly, my theory is that the reason why so many
Christians are seeking out therapists and counseling
(I'm not negating the need for professional counseling)
is that we have failed each other as Christian
brothers and sisters. We aren't there for each other.
I mean, we aren't really involved in each others lives
as a whole like I feel maybe we should be. So, we are
looking for just one person who will sit and listen to
us and tell us that they understand. i think it can be
an especially lonely life for Christians at times
because we are so polarized. We ARE different (if
we're truly living in obedience) and that creates a
sort of loneliness in and of itself. wow. maybe i'm
really going off on a rabbit trail here!
3:20 PM
Friend:
i had to pause the conversation for a few minutes
because someone was at my desk. i think you are right
about us seeking to be known and understood from the
wrong places. we aren't going to know each other and
love each other unconditionally the way that God loves
us. We are human! We can only love as much as is
humanly possible. we get hurt easily and don't
understand boundaries and therefore we put up walls
and create obstacles for genuine closeness. i suppose
today i am just reminded of my shallowness... in my
walk with God and in my earthly relationships. I
desire depth but can sometimes be too selfish and lazy
to strive for it!
Me:
me too
I've had very similar conversations with a number of different friends within the last month or so. Through others' honesty, I've been learning the value of being transparent - admitting weakness, doubt, sin, weak faith. I think this is especially imperative as a Christian. We quickly resort to beating ourselves (and each other) up over not having it all together but that's not the point. It's about relationship. It's about small victories - fallling down and getting back up. It's about helping your defeated brother or sister get back up without guilting him into discouragement. Being a Christian means working out our salvation and not worrying about fitting into a pre-determined mold. My relationship with God is going to look different than yours. It's inevitable.
I used to think I had it all together and that the right decisions were the easiest decisions to make. (I feel sorry for those who had to be around me during that time period.) I also felt that if I questioned my God, faith, Christian traditions and the church then I was a heathen on the verge of blasphemy and apostasy.
What I've come to realize is that without transparency and honesty - without struggling to weed out the truth from the lies, I become shallow, self-inflated, prideful, sometimes even hateful.
A couple weeks ago I was forced to watch "Facing the Giants" while on a staff retreat. I had very low expectations going into it but ended up floored by the following scene. It might have just been the place I was in life at the time but I have re-watched it a half-dozen times since because it was a tool that helped me regain focus in my life. I had been so discouraged. God had seemed so silent that it frustrated me to the point of being angry with Him. I realized how much I need and value those in my life that get up in my face and tell me not to quit when I'm considering throwing in the towel.
While currently in "my right mind", the things that had me questioning God's goodness and the validity of my faith are so sickeningly trivial. It's almost embarrassing to admit. We all need people who care enough about us to knock sense back in us when we get crazy and we need those who will wrap their arms around us in less volatile situations and gently encourage us.
Yeah, it does hurt, burn and feel like hell sometimes. Sometimes I can't see my hand in front of my face and might not feel like it's worth the fight but the voice in my head and my past experience tells me it is. "You're the most influential player on this team. If you walk around defeated so will they." "DON'T STOP!" "KEEP ON GOING!" "YOU CAN DO IT!". My heart sincerely goes out to those who feel alone and unguarded. Feeling alone and actually being alone are sometimes hard to differentiate. It's in those moments we must walk by faith. "The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see." (Hebrews 11, The Message)
2:40 PM
Friend:
how is your day going and when is your birthday?
Me:
it's going pretty good. it's been quiet...my birthday is may 23.
Friend: okay, good. i thought it was toward the end of the
month but got worried i missed it.
Friend:
my day is weird. i'm feeling melancholy.
Me:
something happen or did you just wake up feeling
melancholy?
Friend:
i don't know. honestly, my
back hurts today and i'm feeling sorry for myself
about it... but that's not it. you ever feel like no
matter how many people you know you are still alone?
like nobody really knows you?
2:45 PM
Me:
YES!
Me:
but i figured i was the only one who felt that way.
Me:
i'm sorry you feel that way
Friend:
well, nope, you are not the only one. it actually
makes me feel better to hear that. today is just one
of those days for me and i'm struggling to push
through it. you know, like every person i know only
knows a part of me... i feel... fragmented.
Me:
yep...i understand. it's frustrating. and then that
can make you wonder if everyone really knew you, if
they'd still like you.
Friend:
yes! and then i take it a step further and ask myself
who i really am... like do i even know me?! you know,
which "me" is most "me?" i'm laughing at myself as i
type this because i know how crazy it sounds.
Me: no, it's not crazy. i think it's something we all have
to ask ourselves at times. and we are constantly
changing depending on our influences, experiences and
decisions. we aren't stagnant creatures. i guess
that's part of growing as a person.
Friend:
that's true. i guess i wouldn't want to be the same
now as i was last year or will be tomorrow, as long as
the core stays the same. it's weird to feel lonely
with so many people, though. i know i should be
praying about it because it creeps up on me
occasionally, but for some reason i'm struggling with
that lately. you know, like i'm not praying right or
something!
seriously, i'm not loony! just introspective today.
Me:
no, i don't think that is loony at all! if i called
you crazy for thinking that then i'd have to call
myself crazy too and i'm not ready to do that just
yet! it's so weird that you say that though cause i
have felt that way so much the last year or so. i am
still trying to get to the bottom of it. maybe it's
just that i don't take the time to really develop
deep, meaningful relationships in which i can get past
small talk and really talk about the "real" stuff of
life. i think that these feelings can draw us closer
to God because He is the only one who really knows us
and loves us unconditionally. so, in one way, i don't
think we will ever rid of that nagging desire to be
genuinely known and understood. we just might be
looking for our needs to be met in the wrong places.
Me:
honestly, my theory is that the reason why so many
Christians are seeking out therapists and counseling
(I'm not negating the need for professional counseling)
is that we have failed each other as Christian
brothers and sisters. We aren't there for each other.
I mean, we aren't really involved in each others lives
as a whole like I feel maybe we should be. So, we are
looking for just one person who will sit and listen to
us and tell us that they understand. i think it can be
an especially lonely life for Christians at times
because we are so polarized. We ARE different (if
we're truly living in obedience) and that creates a
sort of loneliness in and of itself. wow. maybe i'm
really going off on a rabbit trail here!
3:20 PM
Friend:
i had to pause the conversation for a few minutes
because someone was at my desk. i think you are right
about us seeking to be known and understood from the
wrong places. we aren't going to know each other and
love each other unconditionally the way that God loves
us. We are human! We can only love as much as is
humanly possible. we get hurt easily and don't
understand boundaries and therefore we put up walls
and create obstacles for genuine closeness. i suppose
today i am just reminded of my shallowness... in my
walk with God and in my earthly relationships. I
desire depth but can sometimes be too selfish and lazy
to strive for it!
Me:
me too
I've had very similar conversations with a number of different friends within the last month or so. Through others' honesty, I've been learning the value of being transparent - admitting weakness, doubt, sin, weak faith. I think this is especially imperative as a Christian. We quickly resort to beating ourselves (and each other) up over not having it all together but that's not the point. It's about relationship. It's about small victories - fallling down and getting back up. It's about helping your defeated brother or sister get back up without guilting him into discouragement. Being a Christian means working out our salvation and not worrying about fitting into a pre-determined mold. My relationship with God is going to look different than yours. It's inevitable.
I used to think I had it all together and that the right decisions were the easiest decisions to make. (I feel sorry for those who had to be around me during that time period.) I also felt that if I questioned my God, faith, Christian traditions and the church then I was a heathen on the verge of blasphemy and apostasy.
What I've come to realize is that without transparency and honesty - without struggling to weed out the truth from the lies, I become shallow, self-inflated, prideful, sometimes even hateful.
A couple weeks ago I was forced to watch "Facing the Giants" while on a staff retreat. I had very low expectations going into it but ended up floored by the following scene. It might have just been the place I was in life at the time but I have re-watched it a half-dozen times since because it was a tool that helped me regain focus in my life. I had been so discouraged. God had seemed so silent that it frustrated me to the point of being angry with Him. I realized how much I need and value those in my life that get up in my face and tell me not to quit when I'm considering throwing in the towel.
While currently in "my right mind", the things that had me questioning God's goodness and the validity of my faith are so sickeningly trivial. It's almost embarrassing to admit. We all need people who care enough about us to knock sense back in us when we get crazy and we need those who will wrap their arms around us in less volatile situations and gently encourage us.
Yeah, it does hurt, burn and feel like hell sometimes. Sometimes I can't see my hand in front of my face and might not feel like it's worth the fight but the voice in my head and my past experience tells me it is. "You're the most influential player on this team. If you walk around defeated so will they." "DON'T STOP!" "KEEP ON GOING!" "YOU CAN DO IT!". My heart sincerely goes out to those who feel alone and unguarded. Feeling alone and actually being alone are sometimes hard to differentiate. It's in those moments we must walk by faith. "The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see." (Hebrews 11, The Message)
posted by Rachel | 11:17 PM
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