Single.

"Even the nonpromiscuous single experiences widowhood. She is single to some degree because she has not been chosen. In our couple-based world, it is agonizing to attend parties, sit at church, or go shopping and know that no one is committed to you. You realize as you climb the stairs to your apartment that no one will turn the light on for you or make sure the house is clear of intruders. When taking the car to the garage, you know that no one will help hold the mechanic accountable to not rip you off. And who will take you to work while your car is being repaired? Beyond these practical challenges, a bed has two sides, but there is only one person to take a favored spot. On countless matters, the single woman bears the same pain as a widow, but with the additional heartache of not having been chosen." (Dan Allender)
This was my life last week. Home alone. Sleepless nights. Awakening at every foreign sound. Fearing the criminal that stole my purse would come looking for more at my house. Convincing the mechanics that I am not entirely uninformed and naive when it comes to cars.
Losing a very significant relationship has been enough of a struggle this past month and the events of the last couple weeks have only served as taunting reminders that I'm most definately single."Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer." (C.S. Lewis)
John 14:18;Psalm 27:10

The Precious Commodity of Words

I have been feverishly writing - filling notebook pages with words and thoughts - with nothing to show for it. I feel like I owe you something and, as the saying goes, "a picture is worth a thousand words". Here are three for good measure.

If You Thought That Was Bad...

The weekend wasn't over yet. I was still recovering from the trauma of the last couple nights when I had another unfortunate event. The MOST unfortunate event. My purse was stolen today while I was downtown! Yep, my life was stolen from me. I had everything in that purse! I experienced temporary panic when I realized I was vehicleless, homeless, moneyless, phoneless and iPodless. All I could do was sit there and cry. Thankfully, I was surrounded by very kind and compassionate people. I was able to borrow a phone from my new sweet friend and my dad received my cry for help for the second time this weekend—all within less than 24 hours. Poor dad.
I slowly drug my feet along when I finally got home today—physically and mentally exhausted from talking to cops, cancelling a zillion cards and trying to outthink a criminal. I couldn't help but smile inside when lyrics to an old Christian song "Can't Take This Away" by BeBe & CeCe Winans popped into my mind. I can't find the lyrics online or I'd post them. The line that came to mind was, "The world didn't give it to me and the world can't take it away." It amazes me how God gives joy and peace in the middle of all the drama. That's something no one can take away! Can I get an "Amen"?

• The story has many more details. If any of you are interested in hearing "the rest of the story" feel free to call, (although my current number is temporarily out of service for obvious reasons) email or catch me in the hall.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

• Car stalls in East Nashville around 11 p.m. Friday night
• Car stalls in middle of busy intersection in Franklin Saturday night
• Car stalls twice and comes to a stop on I-65N later Saturday night

There's no thrill quite like your car stalling in the dead center of a busy intersection. That's where I was last night. The first time it stalled, that is. The second time I was on the interstate. Even more exciting! Soon after the thrill wore off, feelings of public humiliation set in. I'm sure I looked like I was trying to drive a stick shift for the very first time (an experience I never wanted to repeat) - the lurching forward, the falling back, the sudden stops, the stalling, the whip lash. Add to the list the sickly sounds the car was making and there is no way people weren't aware of the pitiful sight.
I started talking to my car when it first acted up. When I realized it wasn't listening to me, I started talking to God. My "darn it, car!" quickly turned into "God, please get me safely to the side of the road". And that's where I ended up - safe on the side of the road.
I'd like to use this moment to say, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today". Yes, you never know when a situation like this could turn tragic but, looking back, I wish I had paid more attention to the sticky note on my computer monitor all week reminding me to "Renew AAA membership!" I waited and renewed yesterday morning which means that my AAA PLUS membership, which includes free towing up to 100 miles, wasn't going to be in effect for 72 hours. I had to settle for 4 miles free of charge. Darn that fine print!
While some of my weekend has been most unfortunate, the unfortunate events couldn't have come at a more convenient time. I won't be needing my car all this week. Little 626 will be getting some R&R in the shop while I vacation in the "windy city"! Woohoo!

Kicking and Screaming

The only way that I am possibly coming across calm and collected is because I have worn myself out from kicking and screaming. My list of "but, what if's?" seems inexhaustible. My once rhythmically spinning world has slowly come to a puttering stop. God, all the while, is watching me with hopeful eyes while I waver between relinquishing to or challenging His authority in my life. For the last week or so, I have been audibly asking the question, "But what if I don't like what God has for me?" I think I'm smart enough to jump-start this world of mine but I'm not sure how things will end. No matter how much wishful thinking I can conjure up, there's no guarantee that all will end well if I'm in charge of my own fate. C.S. Lewis eloquently describes this battle in his book, The Problem of Pain:
"If the first and lowest operation of pain shatters the illusion that all is well, the second shatters the illusion that what we have, whether good or bad in itself, is our own and enough for us. Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We 'have all we want' is a terrible saying when 'all' does not include God. We find God an interruption. As St. Augustine says somewhere, 'God wants to give us something, but cannot, because our hands are full—there's nowhere for Him to put it.' Or as a friend of mine said, 'We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.' Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as He leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call 'our own life' remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God do in our interests but make 'our own life' less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible source of false happiness?...I call this Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is 'nothing better' now to be had."
In between my temper tantrums the last week I have been unusually still. I have been allowing the pain to settle in and do its thing. Pain is here to tell me something. If nothing else, pain is here waiting for a specific piece of me to die – to welcome healing and regrowth to the rest of me.