I Wanna Live Again

I'm frustrated with myself. I'm supposed to be working on a job that is due tomorrow but decided that I've got to work some thoughts out in writing in order to move on to the more "urgent" stuff. This is just my way of being most productive. Or maybe it's just a lousy excuse for my inability to multi-task. I don't know.
There are some things about the Christian life that are just not making sense to me right now. It's not that I'm losing faith- "...But once the soul has truly tasted the water of life and the bread of heaven, it will never finally forsake the Lord." (John Piper)-I'm just learning to appreciate it. No, "appreciate" is too weak. I'm learning to guard and savor it with a passion.
I'm not lost. I'm just wandering. Sometimes I think that being lost would be - I guess I shouldn't say better because that would sound blasphemous - but it would be more definitive at least. I can't say I'm lost but I surely don't feel like I'm found. At the same time, I only have myself to blame for my "lostness". I'm standing here with my hands over my eyes begging God to reveal Himself to me. And I have the audacity to get frustrated and say "God, I can't see you."
I know we aren't supposed to always go by our feelings- "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?"- but there's something to be said about your heart and head connecting. Feeling what you're thinking. I get tired of just thinking the right things. I want to feel it. John Piper says, "Loving Jesus, not just 'deciding' for him or 'being committed to him' or affirming all the right doctrines about him, is the mark of a true child of God." Loving someone involves feelings and emotions.
This might not sound like it relates but I've noticed that I don't cry much anymore and I don't like it. I seem so unaffected by things that are happening in my life. I've become desensitized. I've closed myself off from feeling anything great. Or feeling anything bad for that matter. Perhaps that's why I was drawn to John Piper's book "When I Don't Desire God - How to Fight for Joy". I want to live again. I'm just wondering how. I had a moment of seeing and experiencing God in a very vivid way about 5 years ago. It was a mountaintop experience but, ironically, during the most tragic and traumatic experience of my life (More on this later). Ever since then I have been trying to get back to that point. And so I sit here like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" on the verge of his breakthrough crying "I want to live again!...please, let me live again." I Peter 1:3-9.