Melancholy Intellections

Crumpled Up

2008-11-13T00:37:00.000-08:00

For me, 2007-2008 in general, was a time of testing, trial and disappointment in which I struggled with the silence of God and the fickleness of humankind. I have named that period of my life “The Nationwide Period” (referring to the “Life Comes At You Fast” commercials).

I’m still discovering all that God meant for me to learn through my experiences the last couple years. At the same time, I’m so eager to move on with my life, knowing that God still offers me a future and a hope.

The promise of Isaiah 43:19 is leading me into 2009: “Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is! I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands” (The Message).

I get so caught up with planning my life, writing my to-do lists, making resolutions, dreaming, and setting goals; but I struggle with surrendering it all to God and allowing Him—waiting on him—to direct my life. Most of my plans and daily decisions are common sense-led rather than Spirit-led and somehow I muddle through. But, I realize, muddling through is settling for second best. God’s ways are not our ways—they are so much better—and I should desire what He desires.

My life is characterized with a steady faith and peace when I am in constant communication with God. It might seem crazy that we be at peace with stressors, inconveniences, and disappointments such as losing a job, having the side of our car dented in, or moving to the other side of town. But it may be the way God leads us on to the next step in His plan for our lives.

God and I both can’t be in charge at the same time. Trust me, I’ve tried to negotiate this.

Oswald Chambers once said, “When I stop telling God what I want, He can catch me up for what He wants without let or hindrance. He can crumple me up or exalt me, He can do anything He chooses. He simply asks me to have implicit faith in Himself and in His goodness. Self pity is of the devil, if I go off on that line I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world.”

At many different times within the last couple years, I’ve felt crumpled up and tossed aside. My dreams have crumpled up. Even some of my relationships have crumpled up. I still don’t know what God’s purpose is in it. I don’t know how it will all come together in the end—I’d have to be God to understand.

My place is to never look back and doubt His goodness. Instead, I’m to be present and alert, knowing that the best is yet to come!

Lost in the Shadows

2008-06-15T22:54:00.001-07:00

I'm almost to that point again. No, I'm not referring to my oddly recurring saturday night migraine. I sense I'm losing myself—the real me, or at least my ideal me. I've not fought hard enough to protect my autonomy. I've starved my soul of the things I love—the things that give back and give purpose to my random life.

There's so much talk these days about "connection" and "connecting" but my soul is crying out for me to disconnect. I'm feeling smothered and have begun to view people as zombies invading my space, breathing down my neck; sucking the joy right out of me by their mere presence. Not pretty.

I just want to sit in silence, to consider what I've lost and how to get it back. That was the plan tonight. But instead, I'm sharing one wall with a roommate and her visiting boyfriend and another with my second roommate, currently watching TV. I choose to drown out the noise with more noise by hooking up to my iPod. Somehow the music envelopes me, creating a sort of impenetrable bubble. The darkness of the room makes it even easier for my mind to escape these four walls. Maybe I can hear my thoughts there.

A few impassioned "glorias" later...

I realize that, although I didn't intend to worship, that's exactly where this stint of stillness led me. I didn't even know that I had anything to say...or pray. If I had spoken, I probably would've just said all the right words (I know how to plead my case). But I'm sick of words and false humility. So I just sat still—listening—and was soon overwhelmed by God's presence.

Just a short time of considering God and His character unearthed fears, hurt, lies, dreams...my entire life. Slowly, my heart softens and transforms again, returning to the place where it is completely known, accepted and loved. Christ as my focus. Everything else, lost in the shadows. Everything in it's rightful place.

I sing along (using my inside voice), giving testimony to the fact that I can still be floored by His unexpected, timely entrance into my otherwise random life:

Your face is beautiful
 And Your eyes are like the stars
 Your gentle hands have healing  
There inside the scars  
Your loving arms they draw me near
 And Your smile it brings me peace  
Draw me closer oh my Lord
 Draw me closer Lord to Thee   

 Captivate us, Lord Jesus
 Set our eyes on You  
Devastate us with Your presence
 Falling down  
And rushing river, draw us nearer  
Holy fountain consume us with You
 Captivate us Lord Jesus, with You   

Your voice is powerful  
And Your words are radiant bright
 In Your breath and shadow  I will come close and abide
 You whisper love and life divine
 And Your fellowship is free
Draw me closer O my Lord  
Draw me closer Lord to Thee

  Let everything be lost in the shadows
 Of the light of Your face  
Let every chain be broken from me
 As I’m bound in Your grace
 For Your yoke is easy,
Your burden is light  
You’re full of wisdom, power and might  
And every eye will see You

(Captivate Us)

The BandAid

2007-10-25T00:37:00.000-07:00

Life crisis definitely create an unsettledness but it's the faith crisis that threaten to rock my world. They've shot down all the comforts of religion, burst the safe little bubble I've felt secure in and made me question everything I ever thought about God. I realize that I'm not the first one to ask these questions about God nor will I be the last. I find some comfort in that fact. Even C.S. Lewis struggled with his view of God when times got tough. He wrote, "Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not, "So there's no God at all" but "So this is what God's really like, Deceive yourself no longer." No matter what, I can't believe there is no God. I can try all I want to deny him in my head but in my heart I know the truth of his existence and my responsibility to live accordingly, as a result of knowing that. What I can't understand is why he seems so distant at times and so close other times.

I visited a friend in Chicago at the beginning of the summer. One morning, while reaching for a brand new razor in the shower, I managed to take a nice chunk of flesh off my finger. My friend was in a meeting somewhere so I couldn't contact her to ask her where she kept her BandAids. I started looking in what I thought were the obvious places but didn't find one anywhere. I was in a hurry to get ready to meet her somewhere but I couldn't seem to get my finger to stop bleeding, so I resorted to prayer. I began praying that God would help me find a BandAid somewhere. I remember thinking how ridiculous it was to pray for a BandAid. Why would God answer such an insignificant request? It seemed so childish. But I really needed one! I walked into the kitchen to get a paper towel to wrap around my finger and noticed a drawer wide open. It was a "sixth sense" moment (Only since moving in with my new roommates have I accepted random open cupboards and drawers as the norm). I went over to shut it and, in doing so, discovered the drawer was full of BandAids - all shapes and sizes! I'm sure Carrie left it open in her rush to leave the house that morning but it seemed a little more than coincidental to me at that point.

In answering my prayer for a BandAid, my faith was restored and I was reassured of God's love and concern for every area of my life. At the same time, if God hadn't answered my prayer, would that have made me question his love and care for me? Wouldn't his silence indicate an indifference to my need? Whether a prayer is answered or not doesn't change the fact that God is alive and working but answered prayer "...does touch an emotional need within us that is perhaps even deeper than the intellectual one: the need to know that what we are going through and the way that we are feeling matter; the need to know that our requests have been heard; the need to know that God—in whom we have placed all our hope—is near and He truly cares." (God on Mute)

That answer to prayer was a reminder to me that God is aware of and able and willing to alter the circumstances of my life. But in other more significant areas of my life, he remains silent. In areas that I passionately ask him to intervene, he seems hands-off. What does that leave me to believe about him? I refuse to be one of those people who throw out their faith in God as soon as he doesn't react or intervene in the way they think he should. "When we look at situations of unanswered prayer and conclude that there is no God or that if there is a God, He is either a powerful sadist or an impotent but kindly old uncle, His removal from the equation of our suffering solves nothing. However problematic His existence may seem, without God—this bankruptcy, this broken marriage, this four-year old with leukemia, this congregation killed by lightening, this mother mowed down by a drunk driver—the tragedies of life are reduced to meaningless losses in the great evolutionary casino. Without God, we are hopelessly alone in a twisted reality, contorting without spiritual comfort and without the hope, however distant, of supernatural intervention." (God on Mute)

I always try to remain aware of the spiritual warfare we are in. It brings things into perspective when I remember, "Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12) There are a number of reasons that things don't go my way. Sometimes my own ignorance brings me pain; sometimes someone else's selfishness. There are also forces of evil that are working against God's plan for me. Daniel prayed for 21 days before the angel arrived to deliver him. He faced the resistance of Satan which held him back from responding to his cry for help. "Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia." (Daniel 10:12,13) God wasn't unresponsive. There was a spiritual warfare going on behind the scenes. God isn't playing us like a game of cards. God gave us the gift of freedom. Things that look like they are caused by God are just results of that freedom or the results of living in a fallen world. We are free to make choices that heal or choices that harm us and others. As long as we have that, there will always be pain. More often than not, we make the wrong choices; self-centered choices, and, as a result, there will always be heartbreak, severed relationships, and prodigal sons.

I recently finished reading "God on Mute" by Peter Greig. In the book, Greig recounts the a story from "The Magician's Nephew" (part of the Narnia Series) in which a boy named Digory asks the great lion Aslan to heal his mother. Digory says, 'May I–please, will you give me some magic fruit of this country to make Mother well?' He had been desperately hoping that the Lion would say, 'Yes'; he had been horribly afraid it might say, 'No'. But he was taken aback when it did neither. He thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had, and how they were all dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes, and he blurted out: 'But please, please won't you—can't you give me something that will cure Mother?' Up till then he had been looking at the Lion's great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion's eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory's own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself."

This simple illustration changed my view of God. After months of grieving a lost relationship and feeling that God was indifferent, I suddenly realized that I really didn't know my God if I truly believed that he wasn't weeping with me as I wept through my heartache! What kind of loving God couldn't be touched by my pain? My prayers changed from that point on. I'm no longer trying hard to persuade God to give me something that I want. I realize He isn't holding out on me. I've reached a point where I can trust that God really does care, even when I don't feel his presence and influence immediately. I know that he SEES. That he FEELS. That he is MOVED. And sometimes a little empathy is all I'm really looking for.

Forty Days, Part 3: The Shelter of Each Other

2007-05-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

The following is an online conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago:

2:40 PM
Friend:
how is your day going and when is your birthday?

Me:
it's going pretty good. it's been quiet...my birthday is may 23.

Friend: okay, good. i thought it was toward the end of the
month but got worried i missed it.

Friend:
my day is weird. i'm feeling melancholy.

Me:
something happen or did you just wake up feeling
melancholy?

Friend:
i don't know. honestly, my
back hurts today and i'm feeling sorry for myself
about it... but that's not it. you ever feel like no
matter how many people you know you are still alone?
like nobody really knows you?

2:45 PM
Me:
YES!

Me:
but i figured i was the only one who felt that way.

Me:
i'm sorry you feel that way

Friend:
well, nope, you are not the only one. it actually
makes me feel better to hear that. today is just one
of those days for me and i'm struggling to push
through it. you know, like every person i know only
knows a part of me... i feel... fragmented.

Me:
yep...i understand. it's frustrating. and then that
can make you wonder if everyone really knew you, if
they'd still like you.

Friend:
yes! and then i take it a step further and ask myself
who i really am... like do i even know me?! you know,
which "me" is most "me?" i'm laughing at myself as i
type this because i know how crazy it sounds.

Me: no, it's not crazy. i think it's something we all have
to ask ourselves at times. and we are constantly
changing depending on our influences, experiences and
decisions. we aren't stagnant creatures. i guess
that's part of growing as a person.

Friend:
that's true. i guess i wouldn't want to be the same
now as i was last year or will be tomorrow, as long as
the core stays the same. it's weird to feel lonely
with so many people, though. i know i should be
praying about it because it creeps up on me
occasionally, but for some reason i'm struggling with
that lately. you know, like i'm not praying right or
something!
seriously, i'm not loony! just introspective today.

Me:
no, i don't think that is loony at all! if i called
you crazy for thinking that then i'd have to call
myself crazy too and i'm not ready to do that just
yet! it's so weird that you say that though cause i
have felt that way so much the last year or so. i am
still trying to get to the bottom of it. maybe it's
just that i don't take the time to really develop
deep, meaningful relationships in which i can get past
small talk and really talk about the "real" stuff of
life. i think that these feelings can draw us closer
to God because He is the only one who really knows us
and loves us unconditionally. so, in one way, i don't
think we will ever rid of that nagging desire to be
genuinely known and understood. we just might be
looking for our needs to be met in the wrong places.

Me:
honestly, my theory is that the reason why so many
Christians are seeking out therapists and counseling
(I'm not negating the need for professional counseling)
is that we have failed each other as Christian
brothers and sisters. We aren't there for each other.
I mean, we aren't really involved in each others lives
as a whole like I feel maybe we should be. So, we are
looking for just one person who will sit and listen to
us and tell us that they understand. i think it can be
an especially lonely life for Christians at times
because we are so polarized. We ARE different (if
we're truly living in obedience) and that creates a
sort of loneliness in and of itself. wow. maybe i'm
really going off on a rabbit trail here!

3:20 PM
Friend:
i had to pause the conversation for a few minutes
because someone was at my desk. i think you are right
about us seeking to be known and understood from the
wrong places. we aren't going to know each other and
love each other unconditionally the way that God loves
us. We are human! We can only love as much as is
humanly possible. we get hurt easily and don't
understand boundaries and therefore we put up walls
and create obstacles for genuine closeness. i suppose
today i am just reminded of my shallowness... in my
walk with God and in my earthly relationships. I
desire depth but can sometimes be too selfish and lazy
to strive for it!

Me:
me too

I've had very similar conversations with a number of different friends within the last month or so. Through others' honesty, I've been learning the value of being transparent - admitting weakness, doubt, sin, weak faith. I think this is especially imperative as a Christian. We quickly resort to beating ourselves (and each other) up over not having it all together but that's not the point. It's about relationship. It's about small victories - fallling down and getting back up. It's about helping your defeated brother or sister get back up without guilting him into discouragement. Being a Christian means working out our salvation and not worrying about fitting into a pre-determined mold. My relationship with God is going to look different than yours. It's inevitable.

I used to think I had it all together and that the right decisions were the easiest decisions to make. (I feel sorry for those who had to be around me during that time period.) I also felt that if I questioned my God, faith, Christian traditions and the church then I was a heathen on the verge of blasphemy and apostasy.
What I've come to realize is that without transparency and honesty - without struggling to weed out the truth from the lies, I become shallow, self-inflated, prideful, sometimes even hateful.

A couple weeks ago I was forced to watch "Facing the Giants" while on a staff retreat. I had very low expectations going into it but ended up floored by the following scene. It might have just been the place I was in life at the time but I have re-watched it a half-dozen times since because it was a tool that helped me regain focus in my life. I had been so discouraged. God had seemed so silent that it frustrated me to the point of being angry with Him. I realized how much I need and value those in my life that get up in my face and tell me not to quit when I'm considering throwing in the towel.

While currently in "my right mind", the things that had me questioning God's goodness and the validity of my faith are so sickeningly trivial. It's almost embarrassing to admit. We all need people who care enough about us to knock sense back in us when we get crazy and we need those who will wrap their arms around us in less volatile situations and gently encourage us.

Yeah, it does hurt, burn and feel like hell sometimes. Sometimes I can't see my hand in front of my face and might not feel like it's worth the fight but the voice in my head and my past experience tells me it is. "You're the most influential player on this team. If you walk around defeated so will they." "DON'T STOP!" "KEEP ON GOING!" "YOU CAN DO IT!". My heart sincerely goes out to those who feel alone and unguarded. Feeling alone and actually being alone are sometimes hard to differentiate. It's in those moments we must walk by faith. "The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see." (Hebrews 11, The Message)

40 Days, Part 2

2007-04-02T21:47:00.001-07:00

"Letting go". "Saying goodbye". "Taking a risk". "No turning back". The mere suggestion makes me panic...or in some cases, weep inconsolably (Yes, me who remains stone- faced during sad movies). I fear finality. I like to keep my options open. I want to know that I have something or someone to fall back on–a backup plan. This helps me feel in control. Of course, "feeling" and actually "being" in control are two totally different things.
The irony is, many of the things that I think I'm in control of are actually controlling me. I realize this only when I'm motivated by some force, internal or external, to let it go. Some people have mastered the art of letting go, cold turkey (these are the same people that rip bandaids off quickly claiming it hurts less that way). I prefer incremental changes. Cautious, baby steps will get me there eventually!
Maybe that's what has attracted me to the Lenten Period the last couple years. The definitive time period: 40 days. I know exactly when it begins and ends. No surprises.
Last year, I proved myself clean of carbonated drinks. This year, I'm attempting to give up an emotional dependency. These 40 days have done nothing but taunt and mock me. I've tried to approach this time period with maturity but, instead, many of my recent prayers have been voiced in the same tone as the rebellious child that tells his parents when disciplined, "I may be sitting down on the outside but I'm standing up on the inside!"
Through observing Lent, I have learned more about temptation and fighting impulses–this year, ashamedly, by failing miserably. C.S. Lewis writes, "A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.…A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means—the only complete realist."
No matter how many times I fall down, I remain challenged by Luke 14:26: "Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters—yes, even one's own self!—can't be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple." (The Message) I realize that to acknowledge following Christ a worthy cause is to require sacrifice on my part, even past 40 days. My entire body groans at the thought.

40 Days, Part 1

2007-03-19T00:56:00.000-07:00

I read this description of a Nervous Breakdown online a few weeks ago: "At some time in your life or mine, we will likely experience life crisis. We find that there comes a time when we cannot carry on. We cannot pretend anymore. We cannot hold things together. We cannot go on in the same pattern of life. The burden of life has become too much. Our life comes apart.
When this happens we feel we are cracking up. We feel like we are having a nervous breakdown. We are uncertain about our identity. Our central beliefs are shaken. We question all that we have striven to do.
Our inner motor runs down: whatever has driven us this far does not hold the same interest; the work we did gladly does not to bring us the same reward; the way we have always related to people does not work for us.
We lose our ability or desire to hide what we are feeling. Our hardness, our coldness, our reserve, our emotional control is gone - broken.
We find ourselves more in touch with our emotions. We cry easily. We are easily touched. Our heart is on the surface.
Times like this need to be expected. Consider them normal. It is a normal life crisis."
I thought my "life crisis" would come somewhere in my 30s...or possibly right at 30 but here it is! Pretty sure, it's now. I was somewhat relieved when I read this decription, because it defined the problem for me. Every sentence in that description fit..er, fits me perfectly. Not that I think it's a positive thing (although I am to "consider it normal") that I'm going through an identity crisis but I find it enables me to exhale knowing that I'm not losing my mind...maybe just a few other things that I can't keep due to the pain they are causing me.
My life (or so-called) reminds me of my 7 mile walk yesterday. I walked it by myself because I was determined to not miss a day of training just because I had to walk alone. The downside of that is that I didn't have anyone talking me out of quitting early except myself. So, I found that I was constantly coaching myself under my breath. I'd tell myself, "You're strong. You did this before. You can do it again." "Just one more mile." "Ok, 1/4 mile left and then you can crash". That can be an effective way to train for a marathon but that's no way to live life! (And next week, I'm rearranging my schedule so I'm not walking it alone.)
Many times, we can endure larger amounts of physical pain and strain than emotional or psychological pain. I can push myself physically cause I KNOW I'll see results. After just a couple weeks of walking, elliptical training and weights, I have seen results that inspire me to keep it up. I can't say that about other areas of my life right now. I've reached the bottom in many aspects. I've been faced with questions, temptations, fears and burdens that I didn't want. I don't care if it makes me stronger. I'm not trying to win an award for my emotional fortitude. I just want to crash.

Maybe this is my "40 days in the wilderness". Do I think that God will keep me here forever? Not a chance. But how long will be too long?

Lyrics to "Flood" by Jars of Clay:

Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

But if I can't swim after forty days
and my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me

Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - Keep me from drowning again

Is that weird!?

2007-02-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged by my friend, Erin, to write 6 weird things about myself and post it for the world to see. This is a little difficult. It's not that I fear readers' reactions but I don't usually think the things I do are weird unless someone says, "You do that? That's just weird". Only then do I start to wonder how many things I do are strange and abnormal. I always thought drinking toilet water was perfectly natural until I offered a glass to a less-than obliging guest! Thank goodness for friends who are willing to question my socially unacceptable behaviors.

1. I am a little obsessed with vacuuming and cleaning my carpet and floors. I can leave dirty dishes in the sink for days-unless they start stinking-and never wince but feel like I can't really relax in my space if the floors/carpets have visible specks.

2. Bright lights in a living room, bedroom or even dining room (I guess that excludes only the kitchen) make me extremely irritable. I haven't quite figured this one out. I think it might have to do with the amount of energy the light emits. It puts me on edge and I feel like I can't relax. 40W bulbs are my best friend.

3. I'm an impulse-returner. I return things to stores all the time. Sometimes, if it's clothing, it's a result of not trying things on in the store. I prefer to try things on at home. I'm convinced things look and fit differently when I'm in front of MY mirror. Other times, I have a hard time deciding on whether I really want or need something (I'm horribly indecisive the majority of the time. I even annoy and frustrate myself with this quirk) so I'll buy it and bring it home to think about it. Many times, once I get them home, purchases lose their appeal. It's true - the grass is greener on the other side.

4. I can't ride in a car, even for a couple minutes, without something in my hands - usually a book, magazine or piece of mail that I've yet to open - something that I can look at and/or fiddle with. I think it's my short attention span or something. It's been known to offend some although the practice is not intended to insult the driver or other passengers. It makes me feel better knowing that I have something to distract me if we'd ever get stuck in a traffic jam. It eases my claustrophobic tendencies.

5. If any articles of clothing have been on my floor for a certain duration of time (a week or more) I wash them. Even if I know that they were washed and never worn before they ended up on the floor, I just feel that once clothes have been on the floor for that long it automatically makes them dirty again. I don't want to risk it.

6. I put televised football, baseball and hockey games on purely for ambient noise. I turn them on and zone out. When I try to watch them they merely put me in a hypnotic state. There are those rare games that snap me out of it and have me cheering but they're few and far between.

Enough about me. Be sure to check out Erin's blog: www.nooneaskedmyopinion.blogspot.com. She's weird too! :) Maybe that's why we get along so well. Miss you, Erin.

Almost Famous

2006-12-11T22:21:00.000-08:00

I accepted my first acting role last week. Personally, I think it's a role that really shows my versatility. The role requirements: Smile, clap and don't fidget. Yep, that's right. That last part was the biggest challenge for me as some of you may know (I had to sit mostly still for three hours!) but I think I pulled it off with great believability.
The Biography Channel was here in Nashville last Tuesday taping a live show with Amy Grant that airs later this month. I heard about the casting call, sent in my picture/info and the rest is history. I have now been deemed "an audience member". I'm still not quite sure what the criteria is for that but if it gets me into shows and on TV for free, I'll take it! I knew having a face that doesn't stand out in a crowd would pay off one day and since my fantasy of a career in espionage isn't panning out, I figure this is the second best use of my unassuming face.
I know some people turn up their nose at Amy Grant and her music but I will, unashamedly, say I grew up listening to her. She was an influential voice in my formative years so I considered it an honor to be a part of this up close and personal event. The show was filmed in a cozy little television studio in town. There were only about 80-100 people selected to attend. Every seat in there was no more than a few feet away from the stage. It was such a unique experience - better view and much more interaction with those on stage than you'd get at a concert. Hopefully, the taping will have captured it as well.
It's unlikely that my role is going to win an Academy Award but at least check out the show for the musical talent that will be displayed. Amy Grant is one classy, gifted lady. The show airs December 28 on The Biography Channel. Look for me on the left side of the stage. Maybe at least part of me made it on camera. If not my face, maybe an appendage. Hopefully I won't be caught making any ugly faces. I did feel like I was going to pass out at one point. All that pressure to sit still I think. I need to find new roles that aren't so challenging. More true to character. Let me know if you hear of one.

Little Drummer Girl

2006-11-30T07:55:00.000-08:00

It's my niece! LOL! :)

****Please note, the video clip ads that come up after this video of my niece are NOT endorsed by me and I would recommend using discretion in choosing others to watch since many are off color and vulgar. I'm not sure how to get rid of the ads but I am working on it. In the meantime, I apologize that they are connected in any way to my site.****

Posted By:Confessions of a Writer

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Exposed!

2006-11-22T10:15:00.000-08:00

On three, everyone look shocked and appalled! One....Two....THREE. Whew...!
Now that we've got that out of the way, let me confess. The other day I received a terse email from a friend with whom I'd been having ongoing issues with. Agitated, I proceeded to forward the email to a confidante in hopes of blowing off some steam. At the beginning of the forwarded message, I added a two-sentence commentary including my most eloquent reflection to date: "What a BRAT!!!"
I thought I did a pretty good job editing myself and stating my feelings succinctly. I even chose a tasteful insult. Brat: meaning a "child, especially an annoying, spoiled, or impolite child." Not so harsh. It's a term that adults use to describe their friend's or relative's kids.
Insult chosen, I hit send with passion and, no sooner than that, did I realize that haste certainly makes waste. I had forwarded the email back to my friend who had sent me the terse email instead of to the intended recipient. I tried to stay calm and immediately began typing a "So, about that email you probably just read..." follow-up email. A million different replies (i.e. lies) went through my head: "I didn't mean it.", "I was referring to someone else", "I was KIDDING!". I even considered using the semantics argument. There are many different meanings to the word, brat. Unfortunately, none were any less insulting. Personally, I'd rather be called a "holy terror" than "a small pork sausage"!
Although I felt a small amount of penitence was in order (for the record, I did make amends), I found the ordeal quite humorous and shared my misfortune with others who had similar anecdotes to share. Ah, yes, it's times like these that bring us all together. It's good to know I am not alone. As much as I try to hide the fact, I am human and fallible. Thankfully, not every moment of exposure to my humanness calls for deep life lessons to be learned. Sometimes it's enough to throw my hands up and laugh a little!

The Fragmented Self

2006-09-30T22:58:00.000-07:00

"I have fragmented my life into many sections that do not really form a unity." (Henri Nouwen)
Thus, my lack of blog entries.

All That Jazz

2006-08-05T23:54:00.000-07:00

Now it all makes sense: Blue Like Jazz. It's been months since I've been drawn into a book that held my interest to the extent that it subdued my tendencey to skim pages. I held off on reading the book because I have developed something of a Pavlovian response to books that, no sooner than they are released, become all the rage and develop a cult following. I think the reaction started back when I was working in Christian retail and the Prayer of Jabez was released. By the time that craze ended, I was Prayer of Jabez-ed out. Retailers had the prayer plastered on every imaginable profitable object. I'm surprised we didn't offer to tattoo it on people's backsides. I digress but I possess a certain disdain for religious trends, cliches, and contrived religious performances slightly reminiscent of scenes from The Truman Show.
With cynicism whispering in my ear, I didn't expect much from this read. I only hoped to discover what the author considered to be "blue like jazz". Sounded a little illogical to me or, better said, "Inconceivable!" (there's a line for you movie- trivia buffs). I wondered how he might connect blue to jazz and both to Christian spirituality. I could see the comparison of art to music and even writing to music. I could relate to the thought that there is an underlying rhythm in painting and in the composition of words as well, but I guess I'd never really considered my spirituality to fit any particular genre of music. The author, Don Miller, compares Christian spirituality to jazz - referring to the genre's freedom, intuitiveness, and complexity - calling it the language of the soul.
Aside from the beautiful analogy, which was explained along the way, I found that the book affected me more than I expected. It made me laugh and it offended me at times but, most importantly, it made me think. It really challenged some of my thinking that I try not to question for fear of what it might reveal about myself. One insight of his that made me a little fidgety: "I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. this is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."
Blue Like Jazz is a journal-like collection of stories about Miller's journey to find God. It, in a small way, reminds me of the story of Job. His faith is tested through a series of questions, conflict and, finally, resolution. In Chapter 9, he reveals the dialogue he had with God while on a trip to the Grand Canyon. Before arriving at the Grand Canyon, he says, "I spent an entire week feeling bitter because I couldn't breathe underwater. I told God I wanted to be a fish. I also felt a little bitter about sleep. Why do we have to sleep? I wanted to be able to stay awake for as long as I wanted, but God had put me in this body that had to sleep. Life no longer seemed like an experience of freedom." Upon arrival, Miller reveals the pivotal part of his journey where he finally receives an answer and sense of resolution from God. "Beneath the billion stars and beside the river, I called out to God, softly. 'Hello?' The stars were very quiet. The river spoke in some other tongue, some vernacular for fish. 'I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry I got so confused about You, got so fake. I hope it's not too late anymore. I don't really know who I am, who You are, or what faith looks like. But if You want to talk, I'm here now. I could feel You convicting me when I was a kid, and I feel like You are trying to get through to me. But I feel like You are an alien or something, somebody far away.' Nothing from the stars. Fish language from the river. But as I lay there, talking to God, being real with Him, I began to find a bit of serenity. It felt like I was apologizing to an old friend, someone with whom there had been a sort of bitterness, and the friend was saying it was okay, that he didn't think anything of it. It felt like I was starting over, or just getting started. That is the thing about giving yourself to God. Some people get really emotional about it, and some people don't feel much of anything except the peace they have after making an important decision. I felt a lot of peace.
"There is something quite beautiful about the Grand Canyon at night. There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart. I imagined him looking down on this earth, half angry because His beloved mankind had cheated on Him, had committed adultery, and yet hopelessly in love with her, drunk with love for her...I lay there under the stars and thought of what a great responsibility it is to be human..."
"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." (Jeremiah 29:13)
"So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet." (James 4:7-10)

In Loving Memory

2006-07-06T07:46:00.000-07:00

I needed a minute to, once again, grieve the loss of my green iPod Mini.......OK. I'm over it and moving on. You know they don't even make those cute little things anymore? It's irreplaceable!
I'm not so sad about losing my old phone cause it wasn't much of a looker. The one on my wish list is quite a different story. Look and admire the works of art.

Single.

2006-06-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

"Even the nonpromiscuous single experiences widowhood. She is single to some degree because she has not been chosen. In our couple-based world, it is agonizing to attend parties, sit at church, or go shopping and know that no one is committed to you. You realize as you climb the stairs to your apartment that no one will turn the light on for you or make sure the house is clear of intruders. When taking the car to the garage, you know that no one will help hold the mechanic accountable to not rip you off. And who will take you to work while your car is being repaired? Beyond these practical challenges, a bed has two sides, but there is only one person to take a favored spot. On countless matters, the single woman bears the same pain as a widow, but with the additional heartache of not having been chosen." (Dan Allender)
This was my life last week. Home alone. Sleepless nights. Awakening at every foreign sound. Fearing the criminal that stole my purse would come looking for more at my house. Convincing the mechanics that I am not entirely uninformed and naive when it comes to cars.
Losing a very significant relationship has been enough of a struggle this past month and the events of the last couple weeks have only served as taunting reminders that I'm most definately single."Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer." (C.S. Lewis)
John 14:18;Psalm 27:10

The Precious Commodity of Words

2006-06-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

I have been feverishly writing - filling notebook pages with words and thoughts - with nothing to show for it. I feel like I owe you something and, as the saying goes, "a picture is worth a thousand words". Here are three for good measure.

If You Thought That Was Bad...

2006-06-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

The weekend wasn't over yet. I was still recovering from the trauma of the last couple nights when I had another unfortunate event. The MOST unfortunate event. My purse was stolen today while I was downtown! Yep, my life was stolen from me. I had everything in that purse! I experienced temporary panic when I realized I was vehicleless, homeless, moneyless, phoneless and iPodless. All I could do was sit there and cry. Thankfully, I was surrounded by very kind and compassionate people. I was able to borrow a phone from my new sweet friend and my dad received my cry for help for the second time this weekend—all within less than 24 hours. Poor dad.
I slowly drug my feet along when I finally got home today—physically and mentally exhausted from talking to cops, cancelling a zillion cards and trying to outthink a criminal. I couldn't help but smile inside when lyrics to an old Christian song "Can't Take This Away" by BeBe & CeCe Winans popped into my mind. I can't find the lyrics online or I'd post them. The line that came to mind was, "The world didn't give it to me and the world can't take it away." It amazes me how God gives joy and peace in the middle of all the drama. That's something no one can take away! Can I get an "Amen"?

• The story has many more details. If any of you are interested in hearing "the rest of the story" feel free to call, (although my current number is temporarily out of service for obvious reasons) email or catch me in the hall.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

2006-06-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

• Car stalls in East Nashville around 11 p.m. Friday night
• Car stalls in middle of busy intersection in Franklin Saturday night
• Car stalls twice and comes to a stop on I-65N later Saturday night

There's no thrill quite like your car stalling in the dead center of a busy intersection. That's where I was last night. The first time it stalled, that is. The second time I was on the interstate. Even more exciting! Soon after the thrill wore off, feelings of public humiliation set in. I'm sure I looked like I was trying to drive a stick shift for the very first time (an experience I never wanted to repeat) - the lurching forward, the falling back, the sudden stops, the stalling, the whip lash. Add to the list the sickly sounds the car was making and there is no way people weren't aware of the pitiful sight.
I started talking to my car when it first acted up. When I realized it wasn't listening to me, I started talking to God. My "darn it, car!" quickly turned into "God, please get me safely to the side of the road". And that's where I ended up - safe on the side of the road.
I'd like to use this moment to say, "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today". Yes, you never know when a situation like this could turn tragic but, looking back, I wish I had paid more attention to the sticky note on my computer monitor all week reminding me to "Renew AAA membership!" I waited and renewed yesterday morning which means that my AAA PLUS membership, which includes free towing up to 100 miles, wasn't going to be in effect for 72 hours. I had to settle for 4 miles free of charge. Darn that fine print!
While some of my weekend has been most unfortunate, the unfortunate events couldn't have come at a more convenient time. I won't be needing my car all this week. Little 626 will be getting some R&R in the shop while I vacation in the "windy city"! Woohoo!

Kicking and Screaming

2006-06-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

The only way that I am possibly coming across calm and collected is because I have worn myself out from kicking and screaming. My list of "but, what if's?" seems inexhaustible. My once rhythmically spinning world has slowly come to a puttering stop. God, all the while, is watching me with hopeful eyes while I waver between relinquishing to or challenging His authority in my life. For the last week or so, I have been audibly asking the question, "But what if I don't like what God has for me?" I think I'm smart enough to jump-start this world of mine but I'm not sure how things will end. No matter how much wishful thinking I can conjure up, there's no guarantee that all will end well if I'm in charge of my own fate. C.S. Lewis eloquently describes this battle in his book, The Problem of Pain:
"If the first and lowest operation of pain shatters the illusion that all is well, the second shatters the illusion that what we have, whether good or bad in itself, is our own and enough for us. Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We 'have all we want' is a terrible saying when 'all' does not include God. We find God an interruption. As St. Augustine says somewhere, 'God wants to give us something, but cannot, because our hands are full—there's nowhere for Him to put it.' Or as a friend of mine said, 'We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.' Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as He leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call 'our own life' remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God do in our interests but make 'our own life' less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible source of false happiness?...I call this Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is 'nothing better' now to be had."
In between my temper tantrums the last week I have been unusually still. I have been allowing the pain to settle in and do its thing. Pain is here to tell me something. If nothing else, pain is here waiting for a specific piece of me to die – to welcome healing and regrowth to the rest of me.

The Gift of Time

2006-05-19T00:02:00.000-07:00

Experiencing both another birthday and a Franklin Covey, "Achieving Your Highest Priorities", seminar within a week's time is enough to cause me to take into account my slightly tarnished time-management skills and revisit all of my dreams that are still waiting to enter consciousness. I rarely require nudging to internalize and self-evaluate. I am predisposed to over-analyzing and planning. This continuous inner dialogue is, at times, the bane of my existence. It may be the bane of some of my associates as well. I'll use this moment to send out my sincerest apologies to those of you who, either inwardly and/or outwardly, are begging me to "PLEASE, stop thinking so hard!" Just give me a couple more minutes to ponder.
I am motivated tonight to consider what's possibly missing in my life, what's important to me and what my dreams are for the future. A few months ago I began compiling a list of things I want to accomplish or experience within the next ten years of my life. Some dreams are serious and some pure whimsy but I've discovered that all of them derive from one or more of my personal values - what I place priorities on. I figure I can learn to play the violin, take a ballroom dancing class, write and publish a book, find or start a Christian ministry that I can significantly give my time and resources to and travel to Hawaii all within ten years time.
My birthday isn't until Tuesday but, so far, I've been offered a free Backyard Burger, a signature burrito from Qdoba Mexican Grill, a dessert from Buca Di Beppo, a cream slush from Sonic and 20% off at Old Navy. This onslought of birthday offers has, for one thing, made me realize I may be giving out my personal info at far too many establishments around town. It has also made me realize that, although I love free food, these little offers cannot even begin to make me happy. My values consist of family, faith, learning, loyalty, connectedness, integrity, health/fitness, respect, beauty and creativity to name a few. It's my wish that God grant me the gift of time so that I can have another shot, in my 27th year of living, to achieve my renewed priorities. Where are the birthday candles?

Beautiful

2006-05-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her'." (www.thinkexist.com)

Your Toes Should Be Pink

You love to dress girly and work your feminine charms, with a bit of an edge.

Your ideal guy: Is confident enough to get any girl he wants

Stay away from: Jerks who only see you as eye candy

What Color Should Your Toenails Be?

Yes, I'm a girly girl - I admit it. At this point, I feel I can equally call myself an athlete and, thus, safeguard myself from being stereotyped as a simpleton who has nothing better to do than primp. Having trained since January and achieved walking my first half-marathon last weekend, I feel I now qualify for the title of "athlete" (a title I never would have used in describing me a few years back but feel proud to hail now) Yet all the athleticism in the world won't take the girl out of me!
As a little girl, I was entranced by glitter, gloss, and shimmer. All I needed was a dress with lace and ruffles, a pair of my grandma's stilhetto heels and I was a happy girl. Funny thing is, the past couple weeks I've noticed how much I haven't "grown up" in that regard. I still love to dress up and feel beautiful! Maybe it's my knee-jerk response to a painful breakup. It has proven to be an experience that has left me feeling less- than- desirable on many an occasion and now serves, in part, as a motivator in my attempt to feel good about myself again. While I don't intend to generalize or sound shallow, I believe that for many women a good workout, a deep tan or a new haircut is a good start to feeling attractive again. I don't know...but it temporarily works for me. Yes, I mean "temporarily". I don't believe that is the fix-all. There is a longing in me to share the beauty (inner and outer) with someone who will value it even higher than myself. I find myself wavering between desire for a marriage partner and panic at the thought of being "confined". The only thought that relieves the panic is that of marrying a "Leopold" (of the Meg Ryan flick "Kate and Leopold"). Maybe I'm just old-fashioned but a part of me desires chivalry. Oh, to feel prized and respected. Is that asking too much of a man??
This past week I have been reading through, "Sex and the Soul of a Woman - The Reality of Love & Romance in an Age of Casual Sex". It has been refreshing to think of beauty and sexuality from God's viewpoint instead of from Cosmopolitan or Redbook magazine which makes it as appealing as cheap perfume. In it, the author states, "A woman who knows her beauty understands that she has something incredibly valuable to give and something important to protect." I love that! John Eldredge writes, "{A women} embodies the beauty and mystery and tender vulnerability of God." Call me a hopeless romantic but I believe one day my prince will come. In the meantime, I have the joy of a relationship with the greatest lover of my soul: "The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

Check This Out!

2006-04-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

Baby Steps

2006-04-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

These Shoes Were Made for Walkin' and, by George, they better be well-made for ALOT of walkin' cause they cost me a lump sum of $90! Why did I sign up for this!? I don't think I stopped long enough to think about the effects participating in a half-marathon would have on my body, time, appetite and wallet! I suppose I'm bemoaning the fact that I had to be at a group walk at 7 a.m this morning to walk nine miles in the spitting rain in my brand new shoes while experiencing major sleep deprivation thanks to the time-change last night! Whew, that was a WHOLE lot of whining! It's kinda late in the game to start having second thoughts though. Only 27 more days before the big day! With over 3 months of physical training already under my belt, 3 more weeks is next to nothing. Next week we're walking the actual course, thirteen miles long, thanks to our slave-driver-of-a-trainer. Talk about kickin' it up a notch! No really, I'm not going to complain too much since I want to be able to make it to the finish line with my dignity intact on the day of the marathon. What better way to do that than to take those baby steps now? Incrementalism is the way to go! It'll be worth it in the end: raising money for a good cause, a summer-ready body, a sense of accomplishment, inspiring others to get up and walk...I hope you're inspired. As for me, I'm staying off my feet for the rest of the day...and locking up my $90 shoes!

With a Little Help from My Friends

2006-03-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

I've had more than a fair share of disappointments and drama in my friendships the last week or two. At times, I just felt like throwing in the towel and saying, "You know, this just isn't working out". Relationships are messy, complicated and full of tentative rebounds. But then PEOPLE aren't pretty little packages wrapped up in bows so what else should I expect?
I've had to ask myself whether certain relationships are worth fighting for. If only I could get my money back on poor investments. Is there a return/exchange policy on friends? Reason for return: Changed mind/Wrong size/Irreconcilable differences? Such a simple transaction would surely bring peace of mind.
As a little girl in elementary school, I formed a Friendship Club with my friends as many girls during that stage of development tend to do. All of my friends had to sign off on and agree to pledge their undying loyalty to those privileged enough to be a part of the Friendship Club. If only it was that easy to enlist and keep friends loyal! I vaguely remember membership cards being shredded and returned. I'm sure it was a result of an argument between one or more girls as to who had the slouchiest leg-warmers, the prettiest hair scrunchies or the largest collection of jelly bracelets. You know, something so profound.
I thank God that I survived the 80's and my fickle "little girl friends". Today I reflect on my friendship with one of my "big girl friends". I've especially enjoyed her companionship this past week. There have been many long walks and long talks - talks about breakups, marriage, our somewhat significant need for cosmetic surgery, food (always a favorite topic) and our "spiritually-undersized" souls. Without each other I'm sure we'd be in much worse shape - emotionally, physically and spiritually.
"A solitary person, completely alone--no children, no family, no friends--yet working obsessively late into the night, compulsively greedy for more and more, never bothering to ask, 'Why am I working like a dog, never having any fun? And who cares?' More smoke. A bad business.
It's better to have a partner than go it alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there's no one to help, tough!
Two in a bed warm each other.
Alone, you shiver all night.
By yourself you're unprotected.
With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third?
A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped."
(Ecclesiastes 4:8-12, The Message)

Nursery Rhymes

2006-03-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

I hosted a baby shower for my little sister over the weekend. It's almost spring and I am overjoyed! It's getting warmer outside, the nights are longer, the Bradford Pears are blooming, and there's a baby on the way!! Naomi Grace. With the fresh flowers, truffles, fruit, chocolate and caramels, this picture portrays a little of the expectation of what lies ahead: sugar and spice and everything nice...and the wearing of rose colored glasses.

Brown and Bubbly

2006-02-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

I'm going to try a little self-denial and participate in Lent this year. Yep, I'm going to attempt to go without the "brown and bubbly" for 40 days. I had a hard time narrowing down my list of possible pleasures to deny myself to sodas. When I really stopped to think about the large number of things I was addicted to in some way, I realized I might need to participate in every Lent here on out.
I've had a couple friends participate in Lent each year. I never really stopped to see the value of it. I just thought it was some unnecessary discipline for those with absolutely uneventful lives. But I've been doing some research on the Lenten season and it's more than just giving up for the sake of giving up something innately good.
"Q: What are appropriate activities for ordinary days during Lent?
A: Giving up something we enjoy for Lent, doing of physical or spiritual acts of mercy for others, prayer, fasting, abstinence, going to confession, and other acts expressing repentance in general.
Q: Why is giving up something for Lent such a salutary custom?
A: By denying ourselves something we enjoy, we discipline our wills so that we are not slaves to our pleasures. Just as indulging the pleasure of eating leads to physical flabbiness and, if this is great enough, an inability to perform in physically demanding situations, indulging in pleasure in general leads to spiritual flabbiness and, if this is great enough, an inability to perform in spiritual demanding situations, we when the demands of morality require us to sacrifice something pleasurable (such as sex before marriage or not within the confines of marriage) or endure hardship (such as being scorned or persecuted for the faith). By disciplining the will to refuse pleasures when they are not sinful, a habit is developed which allows the will to refuse pleasures when they are sinful. There are few better ways to keep one's priorities straight than by periodically denying ourselves things of lesser priority to show us that they are not necessary and focus our attention on what is necessary."More Info on Lent
I'm convinced that going without soft drinks will be a positive thing. I mean, I'm training for a marathon so I should be eliminating empty calories like that from my diet anyhow. It's water and Gatorade for me until then...Cheers!

The Sacred Romance

2006-02-08T21:49:00.000-08:00

Hard To Get
Lyrics by Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how
You're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

Rich Mullins took the words right out of my mouth. I wish I could take credit for this lyric.
More of my thoughts later but this is a reflection of them for now.

Deja Vu

2006-01-21T00:20:00.000-08:00

So, you know they say to never make the same mistake twice. Maybe that should be one of my new year's resolutions. I need to learn from my mistakes and the most important thing that could be learned from a mistake is not to make the mistake again!
I've had to learn one too many things the hard way this past year:

1. Never leave your blinds "closed" so that the light during the day shoots upward towards your ceiling because, at night, the blinds cease to "blind". They transform into evil "reveals". The blinds may appear to be closed but, as I discovered, they are, in fact, most definately NOT hiding anything from the innocent bystander's line of sight. It's very deceptive. Don't think that just because you can't see out that know one else can see IN.

2. Never put off Christmas shopping until the last week before Christmas. Inevitably, the "perfect gift" (i.e. monetary, fuel and energy effecient) you plan to order and receive within a couple days from Amazon.com will not be available to ship until February 21 of the following year.

3. If you pour milk down your kitchen sink (perhaps having it already stopped up with potato skins and other sundry things would be of benefit as well) and proceed to turn on the garbage disposal, a beautiful, milky froth will begin to back up into your sink. Although it was tempting to try a taste, I'd have to warn against using the froth in your cup of cappuccino.

The Birds and the Trees

2005-11-05T11:09:00.000-08:00

There is a tree outside my window and across the way that, for the last week or so, has been the cheeriest mix of orange and yellow. Last week, I felt inclined to make an appoinment with that tree. I kept telling myself I would come back to it to take a longer look. I didn't know what I might gain from the appointment but it seemed like the tree, in its beauty, must have something to say to me with drawing so much attention to itself and all. I felt that ignoring its beauty must be an insult to its Creator to some degree. There seemed to be something to learn there.
Unfortunately, I waited too long to make an appointment. Yesterday, as I drove by the tree, I noticed most of its leaves had already fallen to the ground - leaving the tree looking a little frail and sad. Small remains of its beauty were laying in a heap in the shadows on the ground below.
A little disappointed that I didn't get to enjoy the beauty of the tree more, I tried to think back on what was so terribly important and urgent in my life that prevented it. Probably something on TBS or the Food Network, I assume, or the rush to get home and make my evening meal. It hardly compares. Although there is some food that could easily entice me to a greater degree than the beauty of nature, could one be of more value?
What difference does it make if I don't get the chance to sit down and take in the tree's beauty? Am I any worse off? Why do I feel a little guilty or a little gipped if the fall leaves turn brown before I get a chance to really look hard at the colors? Would it's beauty have added to my life in some way? Would not focusing on its beauty have taken away from it?
Maybe I could just take a picture of it. Freeze the essence of its beauty. Then I can look at it whenever I feel like I have the time. Yet, I conclude, somehow even the most brilliant photograph can seem a little stale- almost like a regurgitated feast of a meal. (pardon the comparison) It just isn't going to taste as sweet as it did the first time going down. And surely it can't provide as much nourishment.
Experiencing God is somewhat like that. There are things that happen in our lives that are opportunities to see God a little more clearly - irreplaceable opportunities to see a side of Him we've never seen before or to be reminded of an aspect of His character. No one can see God and remain unchanged.
There is also a desire to experience God exclusively without having to fight other distractions and lesser desires. Maybe the tree was there as another reminder that this world is not my home. We are to set our hearts on a place where beauty will never fade. I think C.S. Lewis says it best, "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others do the same." (excerpt from Mere Christianity)

The Land of Make-Believe

2005-10-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

I seem to be buying more and more animations lately. "Cinderella" was in my Target bag as I left there tonight. It's not just that I'm a kid at heart, although I have been known to buy Happy Meals just for the toys. This genre influences and coaxes me to "come outside and play". I watched "Robots" tonight. I bought it last week and thought I'd be watching it much sooner than this but it's the type of movie that I wanted to give my undivided attention to and nothing really seemed to get my undivided attention for more than a couple minutes until now. There are some movies that just require that. And being the creative person that I am, this type of movie-with all the genius that went into creating it-intrigues me greatly and I can easily lose myself in it. I got caught up in watching the extras on the DVD. Hearing the creators talk about it and explain some of their creative process in developing the animations was creatively stimulating. It sparks my creativity (which has been really lackluster lately I must add). I felt like I was with friends as I listened to the designer's commentaries. There is just a camaraderie fellow artists feel when around each other - no matter how different their styles or personal taste. There is an energy that each creative mind gives off. Designers feed off each other. I was struck with a bittersweet moment as I sat there entranced by their show-and-tell act. I was back, once again, sitting in the classroom at art school with about twelve other people crammed around a small table covered in sketch books, x-acto knives and rulers engaging (or listening to, in my case) in giddy conversation about design. I miss that. I have felt somewhat disconnected and lonely without other creative voices and input in my life. Even children seem scarce in my life at the moment. They can be quite the art directors. There was a little kid in our office today that made me laugh as he displayed his wild imagination and under-appreciated gift of discovery. He had me "convinced" that the spray that he was "pretend spraying" could change anything to any color he wished at his command. But I snapped out of it. Whew! That's part of growing up, right? Less dreaming and more reality. And it's hard as anything to convince grown-ups to see the whimsy or beauty in ordinary things. That's what makes a designer's job so hard. No one really GETS designers except designers. And really good designers are magnetic! Although it's hard to maintain that steady level of enthusiasm, designers are very perceptive and apt to sensory overload. They notice details. They will cry or laugh at the slightest trace of genius in a design or illustration or life in general. They are very emotional people. I mean, who else gets inspired by old industrial parts and can create a movie based on that inspiration that is warm, childlike, intelligent and entertaining all at the same time?

The Fighting Temptations

2005-09-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

"A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is.… A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means—the only complete realist."
C.S. Lewis - Mere Christianity

The Real Me

2005-09-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know my quoting John Piper might seem somewhat obsessive at this point but God is really using his insights and writings in my life right now. Last night, after writing in my blog, I came across an article Piper wrote. It made my blood run cold! It scared me so much that I called my sister at midnight to tell her what Satan was trying to accuse me of and the lies he was whispering in my ear. I had to talk to someone because I was so tortured. It was definately spiritual warfare. It was one of those meeting of the heart and mind moments that I referred to in my last entry. I was overwhelmingly aware of my sinfulness and my living on the verge of blasphemy. I got an up close and personal look at the horror of sin and it's unbelievable power to suffocate even the "strongest" of Christians. I thought I was in control but I'm a slave to whomever I obey. "What then, Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one who you obey - whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience which leads to righteousness?" Romans 6:6
The following is the part of what I read from Piper's writing that moved me so much. I could summarize but don't want to risk taking away the impact of his words. I share it with the hope that it moves you as well- either to your knees in repentance or in thanksgiving that you have been delivered from the hold that sin once had on you.
"The unforgivable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is an act of resistance which belittles the Holy Spirit so grievously that he withdraws for ever with his convicting power so that we are never able to repent and be forgiven.
Our final question is: How should we live in view of this possibility? The fact that there is an unforgivable sin—that there comes a point in a life of sin after which the Holy Spirit will no longer grant repentance—that fact should drive us from sin with fear and trembling. None of us knows when our toying with sin will pass over into irrevocable hardness of heart. Very few people feel how serious sin is. Very few people are on the same wavelength with Jesus when he said in Mark 9:43, "If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire." Instead, many professing Christians today have such a sentimental view of God's justice that they never feel terror and horror at the thought of being utterly forsaken by God because of their persistence in sin. They have the naive notion that God's patience has no end and that they can always return from any length and depth of sin, forgetting that there is a point of resistance which belittles the Holy Spirit so grievously that he withdraws forever with his convicting power leaving them never able to repent and be forgiven.
They are like the buzzard who spots a carcass on a piece of ice floating in the river. He lands and begins to eat. He knows it is dangerous because the falls are just ahead. But he looks at his wings and says to himself, "I can fly to safety in an instant." And he goes on eating. Just before the ice goes over the falls he spreads his wings to fly but his claws are frozen in the ice and there is no escape—neither in this age nor the age to come. The Spirit of holiness has forsaken the arrogant sinner forever.
You have heard the warning. Now hear the offer of grace. "All sins will be forgiven the sons of men and whatever blasphemies they utter." I urge you in the name of Christ: if by God's grace you can repent today of you sin, do it now, because you may not be able to tomorrow."

I Wanna Live Again

2005-09-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated with myself. I'm supposed to be working on a job that is due tomorrow but decided that I've got to work some thoughts out in writing in order to move on to the more "urgent" stuff. This is just my way of being most productive. Or maybe it's just a lousy excuse for my inability to multi-task. I don't know.
There are some things about the Christian life that are just not making sense to me right now. It's not that I'm losing faith- "...But once the soul has truly tasted the water of life and the bread of heaven, it will never finally forsake the Lord." (John Piper)-I'm just learning to appreciate it. No, "appreciate" is too weak. I'm learning to guard and savor it with a passion.
I'm not lost. I'm just wandering. Sometimes I think that being lost would be - I guess I shouldn't say better because that would sound blasphemous - but it would be more definitive at least. I can't say I'm lost but I surely don't feel like I'm found. At the same time, I only have myself to blame for my "lostness". I'm standing here with my hands over my eyes begging God to reveal Himself to me. And I have the audacity to get frustrated and say "God, I can't see you."
I know we aren't supposed to always go by our feelings- "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?"- but there's something to be said about your heart and head connecting. Feeling what you're thinking. I get tired of just thinking the right things. I want to feel it. John Piper says, "Loving Jesus, not just 'deciding' for him or 'being committed to him' or affirming all the right doctrines about him, is the mark of a true child of God." Loving someone involves feelings and emotions.
This might not sound like it relates but I've noticed that I don't cry much anymore and I don't like it. I seem so unaffected by things that are happening in my life. I've become desensitized. I've closed myself off from feeling anything great. Or feeling anything bad for that matter. Perhaps that's why I was drawn to John Piper's book "When I Don't Desire God - How to Fight for Joy". I want to live again. I'm just wondering how. I had a moment of seeing and experiencing God in a very vivid way about 5 years ago. It was a mountaintop experience but, ironically, during the most tragic and traumatic experience of my life (More on this later). Ever since then I have been trying to get back to that point. And so I sit here like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" on the verge of his breakthrough crying "I want to live again!...please, let me live again." I Peter 1:3-9.

We Are Far Too Easily Pleased

2005-09-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly reading through John Piper's "When I Don't Desire God - How to Fight for Joy" for the second time in the last couple months. The points he makes are something I really want to get my arms around. He states "Fighting against all alien joy shows that we know the infinite worth of God." I guess it goes back to the concept of what you really have to work hard to get or earn is what you really end up taking pride in and displaying with a sense of satisfaction.
When it comes to the Christian life we are very low maintenance. We are to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. I guess the tendency is to think that if it takes work than it takes the appeal away. It is somehow less genuine or at least less romantic. We need to re-adjust our thinking. I don't think the "working out our salvation" is so much an offensive action as much as a defensive. We need to guard and protect it. As Piper puts so clearly, "Maintaining joy in God takes 'work'; that is, it's a fight against every impulse for alien joys and every obstacle in the way to seeing and savoring Christ." 2 Corinthians 4:4 says, "The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." The sad reality of it all is that this happens to believers as well. But I'm convinced they'll be back. "Oh Love, that will not let me go..."

Fall Creek Falls

2005-09-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

This evening, I returned home from a two day retreat at Fall Creek Falls State Park. The retreat was what I needed to clear my mind. I feel refreshed and invigorated. (And I know it's not just because of all the prescription drugs I'm taking at the moment.) It was just a day and a half away from home but it was enough to break the seemingly endless routine and enjoy one of the many natural beauties of Tennessee.
I went hiking for the first time (I know, I've lived a sheltered life). My previous "hiking" experience consists of walking down a well-worn trail in the woods somewhere. I'm sure the highest I lifted my legs was a couple inches just to step over an ugly bug or a fallen tree branch. At Fall Creek Falls, I took the challenge of manuevering through the rocky terrain to get to the bottom of the falls. The physical exertion was worth it! It was like finding the end of the rainbow. What a jewel it was. The falls were much quieter than others that I have been to, such as Niagara Falls. It didn't overwhelm me and warn me to keep my distance but it lured me into getting a little closer and then convinced me to sit down and stay awhile.
As I sit here writing, verses are coming to mind that relate to the experience and feelings I felt today as I sat on the boulder - looking up as the water gracefully danced it's way down to the puddled water at the bottom - 256 feet below. This never ending flow of water is there for me to enjoy and it would've been a crime not to stop and marvel at its greatness.
The verse that comes to mind is Isaiah 30:15 "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice, Blessed are those who wait for him!" Waiting and resting are not in my blood. I like to have instant gratification. But I'm learning the value of waiting for God....The results are much more satisfying and long-lasting.
I opened my Bible to this passage and read down further to find another great verse that has always seemed so cool to me. Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it."
On the car ride home, someone asked "Can you imagine finding those falls?" It would've definitely made the trek worth it.
What wonderful places and times of retreat God has provided for us and offers us daily. If only we could understand the worth of it. If only we would allot times of retreat. The things He has to show us!